Not as planned
by esama
Summary: When planning the memory gambit, Kira made a mistake while judging Light's character. Slight onesided Light x L.


**Not as planned**

_'It's somehow amusing, but I don't think I was truly a genius before the Death Note,'_ Light thought to himself while staring at his watch lifelessly, tiredly. _'I was smart, yes, I got perfect scores, and learned fast, but I was by no definition a genius. Geniuses need a strife, a passion, a goal, or they are just smart people. So… I wasn't a genius before the Death Note. I was just a smart teenager…'_

He glanced at the man sleeping beside him, strangely wishing that L could somehow hear his thoughts in his dreams - that they were actually words spoken aloud and heard, instead of being inane inner contemplation. _'I wonder if you were once just a smart person, Ryuuzaki. L. I wonder if you too found something to take you from intelligence to genius…'_ He thought about it for a moment. _'If if was something, I think I was justice for you.'_

Part of Light was screaming in indignation, saying that it was justice for him to, that justice was all there was, justice, justice, justice and a new world build on it. But that screaming voice was easily smothered and silenced by strength of will Light had never before possessed - and he had always been rather strong willed person.

_'It wasn't justice for me. It was just and only the Death Note,'_ he thought. _'And the ability to kill so easily. Do it once, and it's a shock. Do it twice and you'll have nightmares. Do it three times…'_ he smothered a snort, not wanting to wake the other. _'I wonder if it's like that for every murderer. Third time's a charm. Or a spell. Or a curse…'_

Three times and he hadn't been able to stop. The third name had been so easy to write down too, and so had been the others that came after wards - and there was many of them. Within ten minutes after the third name, thirty others had joined it. Hour and bout of insanity later, thirty was turned into a pitifully small number.

_'Of course I didn't count,'_ Light thought, closing his eyes for a moment. _'But there are thirty lines in each page of the Death Note. I usually fit three names on each. Ninety names per a page. That day… I filled four pages.'_

In hindsight he could see faults in his actions during those first few days. For one, he had killed more Japanese criminals than any other. Simple mistake born from the fact that he had easier access on the information about Japanese criminals. Not just because he could hack into his father's computer - which was something he had never even tried before the Death Note - but simply because he had mostly relied in Japanese new casts and internet sites. It had been certainly been a mistake big enough to lead L to him.

The teen opened his eyes and glanced at the black haired man beside him. L slept like he sat, curled tightly underneath the duvet. One of his hands was resting on top of his bent legs, other was situated close to his chest so that his thump had easy access to his lips. L of course didn't exactly suck his thump but he kept biting it even in his sleep.

Light shifted so that his knees were propped up and leaned his elbow to one of them. Resting his chin against his palm, he looked down upon the detective and smiled. L was facing him, he always was. He never faced away from him when they were supposed to be sleeping. _'Doesn't want to turn his vulnerable back to me, less I kick him or hit him. Who knows.'_

For a moment the teen had urge to reach out and brush the stray strands of messy black hair from the man's face. He didn't, though, knowing how lightly L slept. Right now Light wanted to be alone and that was only possible when L slept, thanks to the chain between them, the chain that didn't allow Light to go anywhere without L. So, waiting for L to fall asleep was the only time Light was _by himself_, and considering that L only slept once in five or so days… it was rare enough to be cherished.

This was actually only the second time Light had had the chance. The last time had been exactly five days before and it had been very hard to stay awake without alerting the detective. Light was lucky, very, very lucky that L had opted not to put camera into their bedroom.

_'Our bedroom…'_ Light thought and smothered a chuckled. _'Our bedroom with out bed. God forbid Misa from ever finding out that not only did L chain himself to me, but he sleeps in the same bed too…'_

The amusement faded away rather quickly and for good ten minutes worth of time, Light just gazed down on the sleeping detective. In a way it felt like he was intruding L's privacy somehow, but on other it felt like he was justified to do it. L watched him most of the nights, so Light felt permitted to have this night to himself.

Though, of course, the last night he had not only watched and pondered. No, last night had been the one he had spend figuring out that L was right about everything.

Light turned to look at his left hand and smiled. There was the cuff connecting them. And right next to it was his watch. _'Gift from dad for starting at university, pretty expensive watch for someone from middle class house like me,'_ he thought while reaching out to fiddle with the tiny knobs that controlled watch's hands. _'I don't know how I ended up in conclusion that no one would figure this out…'_

He pulled the middle knob four times carefully and with a quietest click the bottom panel in the watch opened, revealing the bit of Death Note inside. Simple hexagonal piece of paper, lethal even after all the time it had been sitting in his watch. He hadn't been meant to find it. Not before finding the Death Note itself. But he had found it - he had noticed the hints of modification on the watch.

_'Of course, I didn't think I had been the one to modify the thing,'_ Light thought, drumming his lips absently with his fingers. When he had noticed that the watch had been altered, he had thought that L had tampered it during the solitary confinement, put in a tracing device maybe. He had felt violated to have a gift from his father turned into weapon against him, so he had waited for opportunity to examine the watch closer… but of course there was no tracking device in the watch.

Staring at the slip of the paper silently Light frowned. Even before finding it, he had known that something was wrong, very wrong, with him. There were huge holes in his memories. He remembered meeting Ray Penbar and Misora Naomi and they had both ended up dead at some point. He remembered the first meeting between him and L and the rage and hate he had felt for the man. The fact that the had felt that rage for seemingly no apparent reason had been suspicious to say at least.

Back in L's solitary confinement, Light had had hours and hours worth of time for contemplation and contemplate he had. With the incessant accusations thrown at him, he had examined and analyzed himself fro the moment Kira had appeared and he had not been satisfied with the conclusion of that analyzing. He had been in denial, yes… but he had also had a nagging doubt and suspicion. The very same L had in fact.

And the piece of paper in the watch had proved the suspicion to be correct in terrifying rush of memories. How L hadn't woken up to his gasp of shock when he had touched the paper and regained his memories, he had no idea, but Light was glad he hadn't.

Because unlike he had thought before losing his memories, unlike _Kira_ had thought… the return of his memories hadn't set him back to the "right track" sort of speak. He had been away from the Death Note, away from the killings, away from the oppressive urge to play and win this horrible game Kira had started for weeks and weeks. It had been… sweet freedom to him in many ways.

Turning his eyes to L again, Light spend a moment in thoughtless silence, just looking at the man. It was so very different, how Yagami Light and how Kira viewed the man. To Kira, L had been enemy, adversary, nemesis. To Kira, L been nothing if not target of utmost hate and loathing. Kira hadn't been able to see anything past that ever present Hate… but Yagami Light without Kira's memories hadn't had such things clouding his mind.

Light's eyelids lowered as he traced L's features with his eyes. L wasn't exactly a thing to behold physically. His hair was so messy that Light suspected it to be matted here and there. He was too thin and that gave his face a slightly skull like appearance in certain light - and the too wide eyes with the shadows of long time insomnia underneath didn't help the man there. L's skin was too pale too. One could see bluish shadows of blood veins crisscrossing underneath the pale skin.

And yet… it was amazing how beautiful L looked when he closed his eyes to sleep. When the usually strained facial muscles relaxed and the too big and too aware eyes closed, L's face gained a softer appearance. And with the little light that the lone window supplied… L's face almost glowed in the dark.

It wasn't the first time Light had observed the man's eerie beauty, far from it, though this was among the only times he had the chance to truly reflect upon it. He thought back to the small moments outside the investigation. The games of chess they had played, the times when L just plain forgot that there was someone near him, when they showered…. God, L in shower…

Light shivered and for a moment thought of drawing his eyes away from the detective, but couldn't. The longer he looked, the more he wanted to. For a strange moment of aching sympathy he felt sorry for the person he had been before losing his memories, sorry for the Yagami Light who had already hated L without ever meeting him. That version of him…would've never been able to see L as he was now. Kira would've never…

Light lowered his eye and finally drew them away from L. _'I am Kira,'_ he thought, swallowing the lump that had suddenly lodged itself in middle of his throat. He had killed thousands of people with the Death Note, and not all of the criminals. There had been several FBI agents who had died because of him and one frighteningly intelligent woman who had only wanted to catch her fiancé's killer. There had been other innocent who had fallen from Kira's pen and…

The teen closed his eyes, covering his mouth with his fingers.

… and L was supposed to be one of them.

_'Misa. She saw L's name when she had the memories of the second Kira. If she regains her memories, she might remember it and… and then…'_

That had been Kira's plan. Remove all suspicion from Misa and Light, make them not only appear innocent but _be_ innocent. Orchestrate another Kira, a third Kira, who would take handle the torch for a while, who would take the blame and who would eventually die for the cause of the first Kira… and then, with all suspicion removed… stab L into the back.

The teen bowed his head and grimaced. That was the plan Kira had came up with. It wasn't perfect and it was very risky, gamble of highest order, but that was the _plan_ Kira had put into motion. And it was a good plan to certain extent. If all had gone accordingly, then it would've been the perfect plan. But… there was a flaw in the plan. A huge gaping error.

Kira had bet on the wrong thing. He had bet on L's nature and personality and on Light's ability to hold a grudge. Kira had bet that the solitary confinement would make Light angry at L, that L's suspicious nature would make Light suspicious of him… Kira had bet that once Light would regain the memories he had lost, things would go back to "normal". But of course it hadn't gone like that. Light had not learned to hate L like Kira did.

When L had time and time again denied Light's requests during the confinement - and when he had lied, telling that no criminals had been killed while the deaths had been occurring… Light hadn't felt anger or hate or even annoyance. Mild exasperation and exhaustion, but nothing like what Kira had thought. No, it was complete opposite.

Light had _admired_ L. Fiercely. The man was unrelenting in his pursuit for justice, and that was something Light could respect. The detective was also manipulative and devious and again that was something Light valued, as those were his own qualities as well. And more than anything, L was merciless, ruthless, and remorseless. Just like justice should be. And even when all that had been poised and aimed at Light himself like some weapon of judgement, he had been awestruck. Especially since he had had prior knowledge of L's blinding intelligence.

_'I think I might be prime example of Stockholm Syndrome,'_ Light mused, glancing at L again. _'The tighter L contained me, the more I respected him…'_ He smiled sadly and shook his head. _'Somewhere inside me, Kira is screaming for your blood L. Just like you knew he would be. But I…'_

After the confinement's dramatic end, it had only grown stronger, Light's admiration. How could it not when they were next to each other twenty four hours a day, every day? So close he could see things he had never seen before in L and realise tings he had never considered. L kept everything personal to him tightly hidden, but Light saw enough to be drawn in closer. The teen sometimes even fancied that in this situation, he was closer to L than anyone else had probably ever gotten to him. Light was not only in L's breathing space, but he was under the man's skin and in his head.

And the closer he got and the more he saw, the closer he wanted to get and the more he wanted to see. L was like a puzzle box that was impossible to open but still aggravatingly fascinating - and Light really wanted to see what was inside…

_'But I can't, can I?'_ the teen smiled. _'Only way a Kira could see inside such a box would be by smashing it open…'_

And unlike Kira had planned, Light couldn't do that. He might've been able to if he had not seen L with eyes unclouded by the hate of Kira… but that was in the past. Now it was just impossible for Light to ever even think of taking L's life.

In the months without memories, Light had changed too much. Kira didn't fit into him anymore, not like he had once. The seams didn't lock, they weren't a perfect merciless entity anymore. Light's and Kira's goals and ambitions, hates and admirations… they weren't the same anymore. Kira could hate L as much as he wanted. But Light's admiration for the man was stronger. After all, he had known L better than Kira ever had.

_'The problem here is, though… what the hell will I do next?'_ he mused, turning his eyes to his watch and into the sliver of Death Note's paper. _'L would have me killed if he got the evidence. And I deserve it too, in a way. I've killed many and without remorse. I still feel none of it…'_

Kira's hate clashed with his admiration but Light did admit that the moment he could do it safely, he would continue to Kira's path, judging criminals for the betterment of mankind. It was a righteous goal after all. L stood in the way of that goal. Kira needed that obstacle removed. Light just couldn't do it. And they all knew, L, Kira and Light, that a long as the detective remained, as long as Kira wanted to work… they would continue to clash swords. They would continue to stand in opposition as long as all of them remained.

_'Unlike me, L would have no problems having me killed… if he thought it was justified,'_ Light pursed his lips and suppressing the urge to glance at the man again. _'And because he is so sure that I am Kira, he'll continue to pursue me until the end, until one of us dies or breaks. And neither one of us is going to break…'_

Except Light already had. L had an advantage he knew nothing about, and only Light saw the irony in that. If L would know he would doubt and suspect and then exploit this advantage as much as he could. _'It's not that much of an advantage, though. More like… reassurance,'_ Light mused, drawing his knees tightly to his chest and leaning his chin to one of them. _'This won't make me stop, this will not make me weak. It's just… that I will not kill L.'_

He had no mercy to give to anyone else but L. Watari, the task force, even his own father… he wouldn't shed tears for them even if he would have to write their names down. That was true even more now than it had been before his memory loss. In comparison to him, to L, they were nothing. Useless. Replaceable. Nothing like L who was _unique_…

Light sighed and looked at his watch. The bottom was still open and the lethal paper was still out for him to see, along with a needle to write with. Small piece of paper but with plenty of space for a name or two. Looking down to it, Light allowed himself to momentarily contemplate on writing down his own name… but of course he never would. Death would deprive him too much. He would sidestep it as long as he could.

_'The problem with that is that with L around, I doubt it will be long at all. Unless I kill him first… which I won't,'_ he mused and gently pushed the bottom of his watch back to it's place. Then he glanced at L. Smile returned to his lips as he leaned his cheek against his knee. _'On this game of chess of our, you have just announced check, L. And you don't even know it. The game will be different for me now… but you will continue playing with the old rules. I wonder…'_

He sighed. L would probably end up being his death. Only thing left for Light to see was how long it would take. How much time he had.

He thought to the Death Note Rem had taken to the third Kira. He thought about the fake rules. L would test them, of course he would. And there lied an opening Light could not take… opening that L would use to get him.

No, the time he had left wasn't really that long at all.

_'Strangest thing is… I don't mind it that much,'_ Light thought, easing his curled up position and finally shifting underneath the sheets. He turned to his side so that he was facing the detective and again felt the urge to reach out and touch. _'Anyone else I'll kill before they can kill me, everyone else I will destroy. But with you, with you… I don't mind… as long as it's you. And no one else.'_

He smiled and closed his eyes, not minding the nagging knowledge of his own upcoming fall, of the fact that it wasn't simple admiration he felt, or that Kira was screaming inside him. It was all just noise. L was quiet and for now Light would enjoy that.

-

More foolig around with Death Note. Practice before I start my first proper multi-chapter Death Note story. Ruined Light's character completely, but it was fun while it lasted. I wanted to try my hand with one of those stories where Light has a change of heart -- and two things about Death Note did bother me a little. One, how could Light still be perfectly "Kira" when he regains his memories after being months without them, didn't the experiences in those months affect him at all? And two, how can you put a trick bottom on a watch so neatly that the watch's owner doesn't notice it?


End file.
